Hopelessness

I was sitting by the riverside and mulling over what happened today. A cool breeze then started blowing and with it tried to blow away these thoughts from my mind. I shook my head . I said to myself that what I've become isn't so bad. Yeah I may not be a very nice person, but I am loyal like a dog to the people I love. Isn't that enough? My meagre achievements are due to my hard work. Yes definitely they may not be effective in the long run, but they mattered today.  I may be a social outcast, I may feel lonely even when I am surrounded by a bunch of people, but I tell myself, I just have to get through the day. Yes I have hurt people and for that I am truly sorry. I tell myself that I am still loved by the people remaining in this broken faction of mine.

 I looked up. There was no moon today and hence the stars shone the brightest. The flow of the water tried to calm my mood, but in vain. I looked up again and saw a shooting star. When I was younger I used to think that wishing upon a shooting star would get us our wish. Just like every other childhood fantasy. Even then, I closed my eyes and longingly wished for just one day with her.

Wished for being waken up by her with a smile, wished for cooking with her in the kitchen and making a mess, wished for her oiling my hair, wished for her singing with me pretending our hairbrushes as microphones, wished for sitting with her on the patio and counting the stars, wished for her to sing me a lullaby while coddling me in her arms as I fell asleep. Just one more day, one more. I wished…

I wondered where she would be right now. Whether she could see me or hear me? Would she be smiling to see what a young woman I've become? Or would she be disappointed to see how exceptionally ordinary I am? Would she be proud of my skimpy achievements or think about what a bitter person I am?

I sighed and hoped that one day I could go back and make things right. I hoped that one day I could snuggle into her arms and let her warmth help me escape reality.

I sat there for a long while wishing…