Friday 13 November 2015

Soldier

OTH

I'm really scared to taste happiness
and then to see it disappear as soon
as it appeared.
She thought.

She sat up straight in her bed.
It was 2 AM.
The sky outside starry,
but the weather was bleak.

Staring into the darkness.
Into nothing.
This was what she had been doing of late.

The vivid memories
gushing in front of her eyes.
It was like someone had hit the
fast forward button, except
it was on a loop.

She thought he was her safe place.
He thought she was his safe place.
The humorous insults.
The jokes.
The berating of their dull routines.
The insights about life.

Sincere.
Honest.
Innocent.
Naive.

She had felt safe.
Once.
But then he wanted more.
More than what she could provide.
That shattered the safe place.
Once again.

Out in the open.
Vulnerable.
The constant looping
was taking a toll on her.

They come in your life
and fill this void
that you have always been avoiding.
And just like that
they leave.
People.

Is it worthwhile to cling on
to the memories, she wondered.

No, she whispered.

What comfort will I get, she wondered.

None.

I should move forward.

Yes.

And then the tears started rolling down.

She wiped them away swiftly
and clutched herself tightly
to keep from shaking.

I am a lone soldier in the storm.
She whispered into the night.

And as always,
I will weather this too.
She whispered into the night.

Lying down
she let the tears roll.
She closed her eyes
knowing that no one would comfort
her in this bleak of the night and
the loop would start all over again.





Saturday 10 October 2015

As I age...


I've been trying to pen this down for quite some time now, thinking I'd put it up the day I turn 20 but sadly I had been a little preoccupied. I wanted to write down some of the life lessons learnt by me so far down the line. Bear with me. And I know that I still have a long way to go, a lot more to experience but maybe we could just pause for a little while and ponder.

So here goes, some of the life lessons learnt in random order.

1) You realize how insignificant you are and how small our problems feel when you surround yourself with the vast expanses of mother nature.
2) Even if it has been only 2 years or say 10 years, you will never stop missing nor crying for the loved ones you lost.
3) To be open to love is to be vulnerable.
4) To be vulnerable is quite the learning experience.
5) A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.
6) We all are condescending at some point or the other.
7) We must accept that some relations cannot go beyond the mere greetings of hi and bye.
8) Never try to impose your ideologies upon someone else.
9) There is no substitute for hard work and perseverance.
10) Even though people ask you for advice, they will always do what is in the deepest of their hearts.
11) Music and books still remain the best company for me.
12) Locking yourself in your room and crying out loud is the second best therapy to deal with gloom, first being sleep.
13) Friendships forged over two years seem to be more valuable than those of six years.
14) As opposed to crying alone, laughing along with your friends is the best way to stay happy. That followed by music,
15) It goes without saying actually, but still, parents will always forgive you and love you unconditionally.
16) You never truly know a person.
17) Now I know that the outside appearance doesn't really matter, but sometimes if you dress well and groom yourself well, you feel confident about yourself and are able to carry yourself with some level of authority.
18) Suddenly everybody becomes religious when exams approach.
19) Being spontaneous has always had its charm.
20) A stranger in the bus can tell you an unforgettable story.
21) Teachers that teach you about life become your second parents.
22) Society is ever changing, so should people's attitudes towards it.
23) Forgive and forget.
24) When you look upon the eyes of your new born sibling, you forget the entire chaos outside. You are mooted there by the innocence they carry in those bright little eyes of theirs.
I wonder how would the parents feel to see their new born baby!
25) Lastly to quote Albus Dumbeldore, happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light!

So there it is. A small list of things learnt as I age. Do tell me your favorite ones, the ones you could agree with, also the ones you could disagree with, and do tell me if you feel I have missed out on something.

Now gotta prepare for my month long semester exams...until then, live long and prosper.




Monday 5 October 2015

Is she out of the woods yet?



She lay there
on the damp forest floor
curled up into a ball.
Hot tears rolling down her cheeks.
The sun was going down.
The darkness was surrounding her.
Leaves, rustling.
Wolves, howling.
Hyenas, laughing.
Mocking me probably, she thought.
She sat up straight.
The cold sent a shiver down her spine.
The tears went on for a while,
till none could flow.
She just sat there staring into nothingness.
All the memories
flooding before her eyes.
Oh how they laughed once upon a time.
Oh how they cried in each others arms.
Oh how they held each other through storms strong.
Alas it was all a lie.
Just smoke blowing in the winds
from a fire long doused out.
She felt numb.
Yet she felt cold.
She looked around.
Monsters surrounded her.
Some with fierce gaping mouths.
Some with sad drooping eyes.
She was scared.
Hungry. Alone. And cold.
She heard whispers behind her.
Turning around, she saw more monsters.
Adrenaline rising, she got up to her feet
and ran the other direction.
Ran in the dark.
Her feet tangled with something
and she tumbled to the ground.
She let out a scream.
Everything went silent.
Slowly she got up
and brushed off the mud
and ran again.
Ran away from the darkness.
Away from the creepy sounds.
Away from the fierce monsters.
She ran till she could run no more.
Panting she came to the shores
of a placid lake.
The night sky made it look eerie.
But that soothed her.
It started pouring.
But she didn't dare
run back into the woods.
She sat at the water edge
and let the rains soak her up.
She didn't know when she dozed off.
Come the sun, she realized
the monsters were only trees.
The whispers,wind and words.
And that she was in the clear.
Smiling she waded into the waters.

Monday 10 August 2015

Caged






Staying awake

counting mistakes in the dark.

Oh how it pained her.

The anger

boiling like hot acid

tearing through the pit of her stomach

surging through all her veins

She knows...

taking steps is easy

standing still is hard.

Yet the beast inside her

is caged.

Her eyes reflect it rattling the cage.

How it longs to unleash its fury

and roar at all of mankind.

The cruelty it had been subjected to.

The torture, painful and unforgettable.

The betrayal, sharp as its own claws.

Her fingers tremble with rage.

She stands in front of the mirror

holding scissors in her hands

and shingles her hair.

Calmly setting down the scissors

she stares at her reflection

with fire burning bright behind

her eyes.

Time to open the cage.

A sly smile runs across her face.

Monday 13 July 2015

Vagabond






I met up with a friend from junior college yesterday. Figured we could just walk on the beach and catch up on life. He urged me to walk bare foot on the sand saying it was better this way. Me being stubborn refused to do so. So we walked and talked for a while till accidentally a huge wave came up to my feet and drenched them. So I said, 'what the hell, lets just soak up!' So there we stood in knee deep waters lapping around us and watching the sun play hide and seek behind the grim monsoon clouds. After a really really long time I felt relaxed. It was the end of my holidays and I should have felt relaxed much earlier, but me being me, getting worked up for every little thing could not do so.

But feeling the moist sand against my feet and having the company of an insightful friend, did its job of calming me down. And after a while it started to pour like crazy and both of us decided to just soak in the damn rains.

So we were sitting right at the water edge, with the end of the waves lightly touching our feet and getting drenched in the downpour. The feel of the cool rain drops on my face calmed me down. I never felt so relaxed. So both of us, like some maniacs just getting soaked in the rains on the beach!
Nothing ever felt so wonderful. I felt free. I felt lighter. I felt like a vagabond.

Then both of us started shivering, so we decided to have a cup of coffee, and that is when my friend urged me to continue writing. And since I was wondering what I could write about, why not this.

 I was scrolling through pinterest, I came across this nice quote which goes as follows.

Blessed are the gypsies.
The makers of music.
The artists. Writers.
Dreamers of dreams.
Wanderers and Vagabonds.
Children and misfits: For
they teach us to see the world through
beautiful eyes.

This got me wondering, aren't we all vagabonds in life?Initially we decide to do a particular task thinking that we would be able to settle with it for the rest of our lives. But then slowly, disappointment and dissatisfaction creeps in and our minds start to wonder the dreaded "what if?"

So what do we do? Give up that particular task and start doing the one that will now bring us the needed satisfaction. Don't we? And then as years pass on, again the same cycle repeats. So in short the human mind does not get satisfaction on the long run. Hence rather than trying to think of this as a problem how about we just get along with it and enjoy while it lasts.

What I mean to say is be a wanderer. Not just going from place to place, but from one passionate task to another. Say you want to learnt the guitar today,you do so. Maybe after a few years you want to start making short films, its not like your guitar playing skills were a waste! Hence go for it. Don't think the what if.Just don't.Knowing and realizing that you are free to do whatever brings you happiness is enlightening. And what is even more beautiful, is the smile that we see across a stranger's face when we are doing something selfless. And hence sometimes going with the flow gives us more happiness than opposing it.

So as I was letting the rain drops wash away the clutter in my mind, I looked up towards the sky and smiled. I said to myself, I will start afresh. I will begin everything anew and let go of all the negative thinking. Learn from the past experiences. Let go of the people who are downright selfish and hold on to those who would bring a smile upon my face. And agree with my much maniac(just kidding) friend, to live each day one at a time.

So here's to new beginnings, new friendships and new efforts.
Cheers...



Saturday 21 February 2015

Hopelessness

I was sitting by the riverside and mulling over what happened today. A cool breeze then started blowing and with it tried to blow away these thoughts from my mind. I shook my head . I said to myself that what I've become isn't so bad. Yeah I may not be a very nice person, but I am loyal like a dog to the people I love. Isn't that enough? My meagre achievements are due to my hard work. Yes definitely they may not be effective in the long run, but they mattered today.  I may be a social outcast, I may feel lonely even when I am surrounded by a bunch of people, but I tell myself, I just have to get through the day. Yes I have hurt people and for that I am truly sorry. I tell myself that I am still loved by the people remaining in this broken faction of mine.

 I looked up. There was no moon today and hence the stars shone the brightest. The flow of the water tried to calm my mood, but in vain. I looked up again and saw a shooting star. When I was younger I used to think that wishing upon a shooting star would get us our wish. Just like every other childhood fantasy. Even then, I closed my eyes and longingly wished for just one day with her.

Wished for being waken up by her with a smile, wished for cooking with her in the kitchen and making a mess, wished for her oiling my hair, wished for her singing with me pretending our hairbrushes as microphones, wished for sitting with her on the patio and counting the stars, wished for her to sing me a lullaby while coddling me in her arms as I fell asleep. Just one more day, one more. I wished…

I wondered where she would be right now. Whether she could see me or hear me? Would she be smiling to see what a young woman I've become? Or would she be disappointed to see how exceptionally ordinary I am? Would she be proud of my skimpy achievements or think about what a bitter person I am?

I sighed and hoped that one day I could go back and make things right. I hoped that one day I could snuggle into her arms and let her warmth help me escape reality.

I sat there for a long while wishing…