Soldier

I'm really scared to taste happiness
and then to see it disappear as soon
as it appeared.
She thought.

She sat up straight in her bed.
It was 2 AM.
The sky outside starry,
but the weather was bleak.

Staring into the darkness.
Into nothing.
This was what she had been doing of late.

The vivid memories
gushing in front of her eyes.
It was like someone had hit the
fast forward button, except
it was on a loop.

She thought he was her safe place.
He thought she was his safe place.
The humorous insults.
The jokes.
The berating of their dull routines.
The insights about life.

Sincere.
Honest.
Innocent.
Naive.

She had felt safe.
Once.
But then he wanted more.
More than what she could provide.
That shattered the safe place.
Once again.

Out in the open.
Vulnerable.
The constant looping
was taking a toll on her.

They come in your life
and fill this void
that you have always been avoiding.
And just like that
they leave.
People.

Is it worthwhile to cling on
to the memories, she wondered.

No, she whispered.

What comfort will I get, she wondered.

None.

I should move forward.

Yes.

And then the tears started rolling down.

She wiped them away swiftly
and clutched herself tightly
to keep from shaking.

I am a lone soldier in the storm.
She whispered into the night.

And as always,
I will weather this too.
She whispered into the night.

Lying down
she let the tears roll.
She closed her eyes
knowing that no one would comfort
her in this bleak of the night and
the loop would start all over again.

As I age...

I've been trying to pen this down for quite some time now, thinking I'd put it up the day I turn 20 but sadly I had been a little preoccupied. I wanted to write down some of the life lessons learnt by me so far down the line. Bear with me. And I know that I still have a long way to go, a lot more to experience but maybe we could just pause for a little while and ponder.

So here goes, some of the life lessons learnt in random order.

1) You realize how insignificant you are and how small our problems feel when you surround yourself with the vast expanses of mother nature.
2) Even if it has been only 2 years or say 10 years, you will never stop missing nor crying for the loved ones you lost.
3) To be open to love is to be vulnerable.
4) To be vulnerable is quite the learning experience.
5) A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.
6) We all are condescending at some point or the other.
7) We must accept that some relations cannot go beyond the mere greetings of hi and bye.
8) Never try to impose your ideologies upon someone else.
9) There is no substitute for hard work and perseverance.
10) Even though people ask you for advice, they will always do what is in the deepest of their hearts.
11) Music and books still remain the best company for me.
12) Locking yourself in your room and crying out loud is the second best therapy to deal with gloom, first being sleep.
13) Friendships forged over two years seem to be more valuable than those of six years.
14) As opposed to crying alone, laughing along with your friends is the best way to stay happy. That followed by music,
15) It goes without saying actually, but still, parents will always forgive you and love you unconditionally.
16) You never truly know a person.
17) Now I know that the outside appearance doesn't really matter, but sometimes if you dress well and groom yourself well, you feel confident about yourself and are able to carry yourself with some level of authority.
18) Suddenly everybody becomes religious when exams approach.
19) Being spontaneous has always had its charm.
20) A stranger in the bus can tell you an unforgettable story.
21) Teachers that teach you about life become your second parents.
22) Society is ever changing, so should people's attitudes towards it.
23) Forgive and forget.
24) When you look upon the eyes of your new born sibling, you forget the entire chaos outside. You are mooted there by the innocence they carry in those bright little eyes of theirs.
I wonder how would the parents feel to see their new born baby!
25) Lastly to quote Albus Dumbeldore, happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light!

So there it is. A small list of things learnt as I age. Do tell me your favorite ones, the ones you could agree with, also the ones you could disagree with, and do tell me if you feel I have missed out on something.

Now gotta prepare for my month long semester exams...until then, live long and prosper.

Is she out of the woods yet?

She lay there
on the damp forest floor
curled up into a ball.
Hot tears rolling down her cheeks.
The sun was going down.
The darkness was surrounding her.
Leaves, rustling.
Wolves, howling.
Hyenas, laughing.
Mocking me probably, she thought.
She sat up straight.
The cold sent a shiver down her spine.
The tears went on for a while,
till none could flow.
She just sat there staring into nothingness.
All the memories
flooding before her eyes.
Oh how they laughed once upon a time.
Oh how they cried in each others arms.
Oh how they held each other through storms strong.
Alas it was all a lie.
Just smoke blowing in the winds
from a fire long doused out.
She felt numb.
Yet she felt cold.
She looked around.
Monsters surrounded her.
Some with fierce gaping mouths.
Some with sad drooping eyes.
She was scared.
Hungry. Alone. And cold.
She heard whispers behind her.
Turning around, she saw more monsters.
Adrenaline rising, she got up to her feet
and ran the other direction.
Ran in the dark.
Her feet tangled with something
and she tumbled to the ground.
She let out a scream.
Everything went silent.
Slowly she got up
and brushed off the mud
and ran again.
Ran away from the darkness.
Away from the creepy sounds.
Away from the fierce monsters.
She ran till she could run no more.
Panting she came to the shores
of a placid lake.
The night sky made it look eerie.
But that soothed her.
It started pouring.
But she didn't dare
run back into the woods.
She sat at the water edge
and let the rains soak her up.
She didn't know when she dozed off.
Come the sun, she realized
the monsters were only trees.
The whispers,wind and words.
And that she was in the clear.
Smiling she waded into the waters.

Caged

Staying awake

counting mistakes in the dark.

Oh how it pained her.

The anger

boiling like hot acid

tearing through the pit of her stomach

surging through all her veins

She knows...

taking steps is easy

standing still is hard.

Yet the beast inside her

is caged.

Her eyes reflect it rattling the cage.

How it longs to unleash its fury

and roar at all of mankind.

The cruelty it had been subjected to.

The torture, painful and unforgettable.

The betrayal, sharp as its own claws.

Her fingers tremble with rage.

She stands in front of the mirror

holding scissors in her hands

and shingles her hair.

Calmly setting down the scissors

she stares at her reflection

with fire burning bright behind

her eyes.

Time to open the cage.

A sly smile runs across her face.

Vagabond

I met up with a friend from junior college yesterday. Figured we could just walk on the beach and catch up on life. He urged me to walk bare foot on the sand saying it was better this way. Me being stubborn refused to do so. So we walked and talked for a while till accidentally a huge wave came up to my feet and drenched them. So I said, 'what the hell, lets just soak up!' So there we stood in knee deep waters lapping around us and watching the sun play hide and seek behind the grim monsoon clouds. After a really really long time I felt relaxed. It was the end of my holidays and I should have felt relaxed much earlier, but me being me, getting worked up for every little thing could not do so.

But feeling the moist sand against my feet and having the company of an insightful friend, did its job of calming me down. And after a while it started to pour like crazy and both of us decided to just soak in the damn rains.

So we were sitting right at the water edge, with the end of the waves lightly touching our feet and getting drenched in the downpour. The feel of the cool rain drops on my face calmed me down. I never felt so relaxed. So both of us, like some maniacs just getting soaked in the rains on the beach!
Nothing ever felt so wonderful. I felt free. I felt lighter. I felt like a vagabond.

Then both of us started shivering, so we decided to have a cup of coffee, and that is when my friend urged me to continue writing. And since I was wondering what I could write about, why not this.

 I was scrolling through pinterest, I came across this nice quote which goes as follows.

Blessed are the gypsies.
The makers of music.
The artists. Writers.
Dreamers of dreams.
Wanderers and Vagabonds.
Children and misfits: For
they teach us to see the world through
beautiful eyes.

This got me wondering, aren't we all vagabonds in life?Initially we decide to do a particular task thinking that we would be able to settle with it for the rest of our lives. But then slowly, disappointment and dissatisfaction creeps in and our minds start to wonder the dreaded "what if?"

So what do we do? Give up that particular task and start doing the one that will now bring us the needed satisfaction. Don't we? And then as years pass on, again the same cycle repeats. So in short the human mind does not get satisfaction on the long run. Hence rather than trying to think of this as a problem how about we just get along with it and enjoy while it lasts.

What I mean to say is be a wanderer. Not just going from place to place, but from one passionate task to another. Say you want to learnt the guitar today,you do so. Maybe after a few years you want to start making short films, its not like your guitar playing skills were a waste! Hence go for it. Don't think the what if.Just don't.Knowing and realizing that you are free to do whatever brings you happiness is enlightening. And what is even more beautiful, is the smile that we see across a stranger's face when we are doing something selfless. And hence sometimes going with the flow gives us more happiness than opposing it.

So as I was letting the rain drops wash away the clutter in my mind, I looked up towards the sky and smiled. I said to myself, I will start afresh. I will begin everything anew and let go of all the negative thinking. Learn from the past experiences. Let go of the people who are downright selfish and hold on to those who would bring a smile upon my face. And agree with my much maniac(just kidding) friend, to live each day one at a time.

So here's to new beginnings, new friendships and new efforts.
Cheers...

Hopelessness

I was sitting by the riverside and mulling over what happened today. A cool breeze then started blowing and with it tried to blow away these thoughts from my mind. I shook my head . I said to myself that what I've become isn't so bad. Yeah I may not be a very nice person, but I am loyal like a dog to the people I love. Isn't that enough? My meagre achievements are due to my hard work. Yes definitely they may not be effective in the long run, but they mattered today.  I may be a social outcast, I may feel lonely even when I am surrounded by a bunch of people, but I tell myself, I just have to get through the day. Yes I have hurt people and for that I am truly sorry. I tell myself that I am still loved by the people remaining in this broken faction of mine.

 I looked up. There was no moon today and hence the stars shone the brightest. The flow of the water tried to calm my mood, but in vain. I looked up again and saw a shooting star. When I was younger I used to think that wishing upon a shooting star would get us our wish. Just like every other childhood fantasy. Even then, I closed my eyes and longingly wished for just one day with her.

Wished for being waken up by her with a smile, wished for cooking with her in the kitchen and making a mess, wished for her oiling my hair, wished for her singing with me pretending our hairbrushes as microphones, wished for sitting with her on the patio and counting the stars, wished for her to sing me a lullaby while coddling me in her arms as I fell asleep. Just one more day, one more. I wished…

I wondered where she would be right now. Whether she could see me or hear me? Would she be smiling to see what a young woman I've become? Or would she be disappointed to see how exceptionally ordinary I am? Would she be proud of my skimpy achievements or think about what a bitter person I am?

I sighed and hoped that one day I could go back and make things right. I hoped that one day I could snuggle into her arms and let her warmth help me escape reality.

I sat there for a long while wishing…

Ara

The two kids were lying on their backs under the shade of the big willow tree, looking towards the skies and imagining various shapes of the clouds.

"Look Ara, that looks like our rabbit Tooba! Look right there, don't you see it?" cried Meqbool. Ara stared hard to where he was pointing and said, "No Meqbool, it looks like your crooked nose!" She got up and had a fit of laughter. She ran down the hill, laughing all the way, her curly black hair swaying behind her and every once a while she turned to look back with those dazzling blue eyes. Meqbool just started dumbfounded. He too chased after her, holding his skull cap from flying away.

The two eight year olds were running through the streets, laughing and chasing each other, completely ignorant to all the shattered houses,broken window panes, the bullet holes on the compounds,the limb beggars, the mortar shells lying around and the grey look of the city.

Ara and Meqbool reached over to Ara's house where her mother was just serving tea to her uncle. He smiled at the two,took a sip and gravely put it down. Both the kids rushed upstairs and hid behind the balustrade on the landing trying to eavesdrop every word her uncle was conveying to her mother regarding the on going war. Apparently his son's kebab restaurant down south was hit by a rocket propelled grenade. She let out a gasp, and he raised his hand to tell her there was nothing to worry, that her son was not present there at the moment. But a lot of people from the neighbourhood were caught in the cross fires.

Ara went to her room and sat on the edge of her bed, head hung down in silence. Meqbool followed and knelt before her and wiped away her tears.

"I just want this war to end. I don't want any more people hurting or dying. I don't want Kakajaan to come here and give us bad news everyday.Ever since the school explosion, I have not had the courage to look at my books. Ever since Ms. Nila died I cannot take a pen in my hand and write.I don't..." she began to sob.

"I promised you that I would always protect you from any harm. I will not let them lay a finger on you or hurt you in any way. And now as you promised me, please stop crying."

Meqbool got up,went over to window,removed Tooba the rabbit from its cage and placed it on her lap. She immediately stopped crying and started stroking its white fur. It was their teacher's pet rabbit. They had found it trapped under the debris near the school one day. Ara and Meqbool brought it home and took care of it.

She looked up and smiled at him. He smiled back through his broken tooth. They then went down, into the garden and played with the rabbit. Sometimes they pretended they were pirates, taking on the big seas. Sometimes she was the princess and it was his duty to fulfil her highness' wishes. They continued so till sundown and it was time for Meqbool to go home. Ara mother's called out to them and  Meqbool gave his broken toothed smile and waved a goodbye to both of them and went home.

Her father was running late, so Ara and her mother dined together. Ara told her mother about all she and Meqbool did today, what games they played, what they saw from the hill top, how many fruits they ate...but her mother's eyes kept fluctuating to the window behind her.


Ara was now lying in bed, the moonlight streaking through her window and a cool breeze blowing the curtains. For some reason, she felt uneasy. Then she heard voices downstairs. Wondering who it could be at this hour she tip toed out of her bedroom and again hid behind the balustrade. She heard her father speaking very softly to her mother in the living room. He had come from work,she could tell because he still had his work clothes on. She bent a little further to get a proper view and hear him out clearly.

He told her that there was a missile fired by the enemy into their region.He paused. She looked at him asking him to go on. He took a breath and said that Meqbool and his family's house had been charred to the ground. None made it out alive. She clutched her heart and collapsed on the sofa. There was a minute of silence and she clutching her burqa looked up to her husband all teary eyed and uttered the word Ara. They both looked towards the stairs and saw her clutching the rails so tightly that her knuckles were white. Her blue eyes frozen through the rails. In a swift moment Ara realised that her parents were looking at her and she rushed back into her room.

That night she just lay her head on her mother's lap and did not say a single word. Her mother was gently stroking her hair while she continued to stare out the window silently.

Days and months passed by. Ara did not say or ask anything about Meqbool. She quietly played with Tooba in their garden.Or went to the hill and sat under the willow tree looking at the sky, trying to figure out which cloud looked like Meqbool's crooked nose. She would heave a deep sigh and just walk back home.

One day, her uncle came and told her that the town committee was deciding to rebuild the school again. She was asked to be present there for the foundation laying ceremony. She did attend it with her parents. She saw some of her classmates. Some of them waved at her and some even wanted to talk to her. Her friend Leila was the only one she smiled back at.

Later that evening, when she was in her room, playing with Tooba, she suddenly heard a loud bang. Her heart skipping a beat, she rushed out only to see half her living room shattered. Then another loud bang right behind her. She screamed, "Mamma" and was flung off the first floor landing down on the crumpled living room floor. She fell right beside her mother's torn body. She screamed her lungs out and began crying. Trying to get up, she turned towards her right and saw her father's hand under a huge plank. Another loud bang. She ran out of the house, but she barely made it to the front door all wounded and leg fractured, that there was another loud bang.

She was lying in the garden. She couldn't open her eyes because the sun rays were stinging them. She opened them slowly and saw a silhouette above her. It was speaking. She could barely hear its voice. She tried to lift her hand, but she couldn't feel anything. She strained her ears and could hear the faint whisper..."And now as you promised me, please stop crying."Then everything went black.